waagnfnp

What’s Your Quirk?

I’m part of the ho-hum right handed majority. In honor of the MLB playoffs, let’s just say if my profile were on a baseball card, it would look like this -
Bats: Right.
Throws: Right.

Yes, there’s no doubt about it. I’m absolutely, positively, right handed.

Except when I’m left-handed.

No, I’m not ambidextrous. I’m what you might call, “selectively left-handed”, and there’s absolutely no rhyme or reason to the things that are a struggle for me to do with my right hand, or can ONLY do with my left. Here’s a partial list:

-Using a fork (but get this…not a spoon!!)
-Using chopsticks (cannot do at all with right hand. Not. At. All.)
-Using a computer mouse
-Brushing my teeth
-Using the telephone (speaking, not dialing)
-Wrist watch (goes on the right hand so I can fasten the buckle with my left - no can do the other way around).

Mostly this lefty quirk presents itself in the workplace when someone else has to use my computer for whatever reason. They sit at my chair, and their right hand fumbles for a mouse that isn’t there. Then comes the befuddled glance at the location where the mouse should be, and then they give me “the look”. “The look” is, “Oh yeah. You’re one of them“. Usually “the look” is a jokingly derisive smirk, though sometimes it’s frustrated exasperation. I offer to move the mouse to the other side, but, “No, no. It’s OK” - and they cross their right arm across their body all the way to the other side of the keyboard to use the mouse. It looks like they are trying to play a game of seated “Twister”, and it’s brutal to watch.

So here’s the question: What’s your quirk? Are you the only Jets fan in a family of Giants fans? Do you have two differently colored eyes? Sexually attracted to Republicans? Behavioral, physical, mental, doesn’t matter. Go ahead and share. Nothing’s too big, too small, or too weird. I want to hear about you, but no points deducted for talking about someone else’s quirk. For all I know, your quirk is that you’re a person of incredibly high integrity, except for the fact that you’re a horrible gossip.

I guess I have to again crank up the stupid emotional attachment to the band of young, rich, mercenary, spoiled boys** that comprise the Cleveland Indians  and become overinvested in the outcomes of their games against a similar gang from Boston.  So like, Go Tribe and all of that, I hope your performance -enhancing drugs work better than the other guys - just like Marion Jones’s did.  Sorry, long week, overtired man. If you want to relive some good in-game Yankee-bashing and Indians-anxiety, go read the comments at this post at Lawyers, Guns and Money.

**Please not to interpret as judgement relative to any of the other gangs of boys doing the same in other cities.

Nothing fancy today. I just hope everyone has their flag lapel pin  in place and some time set aside for some good old escapism from the fucked up state of the world all-American baseball watching. (By the way, are they even on TV? I cannot find them  … oops, found them, TNT …  nevermind.)  Trust me,  I’m not trying to harsh anyone’s buzz (speaking of which did any video of spyder in action during this incident ever emerge?) , I’m just a bit weary of living in a country ruled by insane psycopathic liars this week -  usually I’m just fine with it.

So far I’ve not really been pulled into the playoff action - Cleveland gratifyingly taking care of business in Game 1 and a nice pitcher’s duel so far in Game 2 even though they are down 1-0.  But who knows what evil this way comes? To prepare I found a nice article via Lawyers, Guns and Money which chronicles the many “levels of losing” from Level XVI “The Princeton Principle” to Level II “The Goose/Maverick Tailspin“.  (He is from Boston and reserves Level I for “The Game” - I personally think the Cubs effort a few years back rises to that level as well.)

  … damn, Indians strand leadoff triple   …. must stay positive and detached, must stay positive and detached.

[Update: Found some other strange game on another channel - people skating around on ice running into each other. For real! Doubt that it will last though.]

Baseball Playoffs Draw Nigh - Time to Bring the Hate!
By Oaktown Girl

Well folks, the MLB regular season ends on Sunday, and the postseason begins** on Wednesday. If you’re like me and your team’s not going to be in the playoff mix, that means only one thing: hardcore cheering against the team you hate the most, and for the team you hate the least.

Properly Bringing the Hate against a sports team is a skilled art, best not left to amateurs. It takes guile, cunning, and an unshakable belief that Bringing the Hate in a sports fan setting is a karma-free activity. (Amateurs can, however, safely participate by seeking the expertise, council, and protection of an experienced trained professional like myself).

Everything must be in place: good luck (or bad luck) charms at the ready and in their proper location and position; knowledge of which teams are playing and when so bad vibes can be sent at the exact time; non-sports fans/ambivalent friends must be given their marching orders about who they’re cheering for/against in order to help spread the love; and your rap regarding your position must be well-prepared and watertight in the event you need to put the smackdown on some fool who dares question you.

A good, sturdy pair of boots is advisable - you can bet your bottom dollar that at some point you’ll be plagued by some ignorant bandwagon twit who was not born and raised in New York or New Jersey cheering for the Stankees. That’s an ass just begging to be kicked, and you should most certainly oblige. Boots provide both the toe protection and ankle support to get the job done right.

Yes, the WAAGNFNP will do everything possible to try to have at least one live blogging event for the playoffs. Stay tuned, and tell your friends.

And now for your enjoyment, this Simpsons video is hysterical - you’ll want to watch the the whole thing, sports fan or not:
Simpsons Baseball

Add to My Profile | More Videos
Thanks to MOOAD Minister spyder for letting us know where Rupert Murdoch is hoarding The Simpsons videos these days.

**The information on these links will change over time, of course. So for the historical record, as of this writing if The Season ended today, the playoffs would look like this:
In the AL: NY at Cleveland, and LA at Boston. In the NL: Chicago at Arizona, and San Diego at NY or Philly.

Yesterday, Jose Padilla was convicted of charges of conspiracy to “murder, kidnap and maim” people overseas. He faces life in prison. He did not actually commit any acts of terrorism at all, and the contention that he - a poor, uneducated man who grew up on the South Side of Chicago - provided “material support” to terrorism is laughable. Before he was even granted a trial, he was held incommunicado for three years as “enemy combatant”; during this time, he was likely tortured, psychologically and physically.

There are minor annoyances here: the way the media describe the verdict as “a victory for the Bush administration”, when it in fact demolishes their claim that (alleged) terrorists can’t be tried in civilian courts; the regurgitation of the dirty bomb accusation that was always absurd. But the main issue is this: a man, a US citizen in fact, was destroyed by the state, and precious few people were outraged by it. Why would they be? He was only a gang member, a convert to Islam, a nobody.

Padilla may well have been guilty under the incredibly lax standards needed to prove conspiracy charges (in itself, this legal construct undermines the constitution, in my opinion). But don’t we have a right to trial by a jury of our peers precisely so the law can be tempered by the people’s sense of justice? Why did not a single juror stand up and refuse to convict after a trial so obviously unjust?

Two Really Good TV Shows You Might Have Missed - by Oaktown Girl

Although the example I gave in the post “Kill Your Television” featured a show that aired on PBS , I’m not one of those who goes around saying, “Yeah, I have a TV. But I only watch PBS”. (Well, I guess now with all the critically acclaimed shows on HBO, Showtime, and some of the cable networks there’s fewer of those people around, but you get my drift).

By way of example, I’m going to mention two of my favorite shows of all time, and both were on regular network TV. Sadly, they both suffered the same fate: canceled too soon - as is want to happen with quality shows on regular network TV. But I want to highlight them here because if you blinked and missed them, you’ll definitely be glad to discover them now. Praise Astaroth!
Continue Reading »

[Update: by order of the MoJ, and to keep the picture on the front page, this is also the weekend Open Thread (#15). For further hilarity, the MoOaD suggests this article about an FBI advisory to New England colleges on how to spot potential spies among their foreign students (hint: spies like to work late, and communicate with other scientists - a dead giveaway)]

George Grosz’ Eclipse of the Sun appropriately modified. Photoshop credit: Idea by spyder, execution by my daughter. Here is the original. “Full-size” reproduction of the Photoshop here. (to better see how well she matched the texture…. what is the point of blogging for if you can’t brag on your kids.)

This is meant to be a humorous post in honor of the new waves of hilarity coming in from BushCo CheneyCo this week. If you can’t laugh at the idea of your nation being under the thumb direction of three of the most morally bankrupt, fatuous, psychopathic liars you could ever imagine in your worst nightmare, well then just what can you laugh at? I mean if we can’t take a joke, well then, fuck us. It’s not like we have anything to lose other than our honor, sanity, reputation in the world, standard of living, self-images, sense of fair play, hope for a safe and sane future for our children, air, water, natural resources, environment, education system and pride. And to my knowledge none of those are protected under the Constitution- and I’m sure the Supreme Court is ready to rule 5-4 on that.

So where were we … ah, yes humorous post and all. Now I sometimes like to think of myself as an occasionally funny guy - now certainly not Richard Cohen funny- but funny like in locking some girls purse to her desk in 8th grade English class and then forgetting about it and leaving the room so that she and the teacher have to take all of her stuff out of it and then track me down to get the combination kind of funny. You know subtle, sophisticated, yet understated funny. And yet, amazingly enough, as I sit here writing this post I find that I am not laughing, in fact I am in a barely controlled state of subliminal rage, and what is more I find that I have been in that state for ‘lo these past five or six years.

And so since I promised the MOJ a post even though I actually had jack Friday smells like teh Arbitrary, I turn it over to you the readers and commenters of this explosive blog to supply your favorite snippets of humor from the exploits of those wacky Three Amigos of Torture and Deceit: Tweedledum, Tweedledummer and Tweedledummerer.

Continue Reading »

The United States, and the individual states, have their poet laureates. The United Kingdom, however, also has Children’s Laureate. This year, it’s Michael Rosen, author of such immortal works as No breathing in class and Uncle Billy being silly. And lots and lots of poetry for children. Here’s the beginning of one poem, entitled The Balloon:

They’ve invented a balloon that stays on the ceiling.
They’ve invented a balloon that stays on the ceiling.

Nevermore will I have that morning bring-down feeling:
waking up and seeing
balloons I bought the day before
lying on the floor.
No feeling bad.
No feeling sad.
Now it stays
for days and days
and nights and nights
hanging out by my bedroom light.

If you feel like it, share your favorite nonsense poems - or share your own! I’ll leave you with a gratuitous Family Guy excerpt:

By Kiera PSI

Message form the Minister of Justice:
This Open Thread contains a bonus two-fer question:

1. What was your most embarrassing food moment? It can be a restaurant fiasco, as the chef or a dinner guest, dysfunctional family Thanksgiving nightmares, whatever.

2. What was the most embarrassing and/or humiliating public thing a parent (or any adult) ever inflicted upon your teenage or pre-teen self? And looking back at it now as an adult, does it still seem all that bad?

WAAGNFNP overachiever Kiera gives us both in one tale of mother-inflicted terror. All we need to know now is, does it still seem that awful? (I’m guessing “yes”).

Me: a twelve year-old girl on a cruise ship with her parents. A budding teen-to-be, full of hormonal angst, ripe for easy embarrassment. Also at the dinner table: several couples, and a nineteen year-old traveling on his own (the enticing older man!).

Picture the scene…You are expecting gourmet cuisine …but…this is a ship with English Registry. Have you ever eaten in England ? If you’re not into fish and chips, you’re out of luck (okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating, but not by much). Food preparation, cooking and serving styles are not what the typical American expects. And they don’t really explain the differences in their menu. After all, they’re the Empire, the bastion of the civilized world (unless you’re French), so of course everyone will know and appreciate how they do things.

The menu that day featured a choice of “Broiled Rainbow Trout” or “Prime Rib with Yorkshire Pudding”. Almost everyone at the table ordered the beef, with the notable exception of…My Mother. My Mother was the ultimate pragmatist. Nothing phased her…or so we thought. When the entrées were delivered, Lions and Tigers and FISH, Oh My! While the rest of the table denizens took up our forks and steak knives, My Mother stared silently down at her plate. This was no broiled filet of trout, this was a full-on fish, prepared the way “pan fried” trout is served in the States, complete with head, tail, and shiny rainbow scales. Its little dead eye staring up at her accusingly.

I never would have expected this to bother My Mother. But there she sat. She stared, she pointed, she started to sniffle. A few seconds later both our waiter and the maître de (who resembled Captain Bligh) realized something was wrong, and came running. My Mother tried to explain that she couldn’t eat the fish because “it’s looking at me”, so the maître de offered to “fillet” (pronounced like FILL-it) it for her. My Mother looked down at the fish again, looked back up at Captain Bligh, and quavered, “No, I just couldn’t…it’s a friend!”

As I explained in my MOJ-mandated wrap-up on the previous Open Thread, I am somewhat “sported” out. But since this is an “Open” Thread have it at it; sports or whatever. … oh yes, Go Cavs! … just not expecting much there.

This D-Day week, I was recalling the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan. I found the overall movie uneven, but the initial sequence literally knocked me back in my seat and made me quickly reset my expectations for what was to follow. YouTube here. Was trying to think of other movies that accomplished that. Though it feels like you have always known it, the Kansas->Oz, color ->b/w cut in Wizard of Oz does this, as does the bone throw in 2001. The Stunt Man to some extent revolved around this effect. (Does it have a name?) Movies with “multiple” switches include David Lynch’s Blue Velvet, Time Bandits and Sleuth. The double hit of “Time Warp” and “Sweet Transvestite” in Rocky Horror work for me as well (I know there are a lot of “shocks” in horror films in general, but 1.) I am not a fan of the genre and 2.) Most do not recontextualize the whole film viewing experience for you.) Last I will mention is Marathon Man, where a seemingly comic car chase turns deadly, setting the stage for the more serious tone of the movie. (YouTube here, and actually I found this one quite unsettling in a negative way, but that may just have been because I saw it on a failing first date.)

Open away.