[Note: The Ministry of Justice had long been seeking a handy, portable, and effective means of “correction” and to aid in the re-education process. Bringing offenders only in need of modest correction all the way to MOJ HQ was neither cost nor time effective. We were therefore ecstatic when Party Patriot, Kiera, stepped forward a few months back and introduced The Trunk.
- Oaktown Girl, Minister of Justice.]
Howdy, folks. It’s your MOJ Sheriff Kiera, here to give you the lowdown on the criminal justice system – WAAGNFNP-style.
Basically, a crime in our community is whatever the Minister of Justice says it is. Since she is personally guided by Gojira and advised by 3Tops, I’m not going to question that (and I strongly suggest that you don’t either). Now, we all know that in an ideal blog, if you do the crime, you do the time. Here in WAAGNFNP land, “time” consists of being put in THE TRUNK, or in the case of repeat offenders, being RETRUNKED. In the case of someone the Minister of Justice thinks might be about to commit a crime (or for general attitudinal adjustments): PRE-TRUNKED.
Now, what is THE TRUNK, you ask? Well, it’s a trunk, of course, on a mid-sized car…at the moment, a Kia Optima. Why is this punishment? After all, a Kia’s trunk is fairly roomy so far as car trunks go. Sure. But you have to share that space with the Sheriff’s “stuff” (and sometimes a few rather large eggs – more on that later). Okay, so it’s a little crowded, big deal, you say. Ah…but that’s only half the punishment. The other half is the location of THE TRUNK.
THE TRUNK, and the car that it’s attached to, is normally parked almost dead center in the State of California. When people think California, they usually think palm trees, cool breezes, and surfing. But that’s only on the coast. This is the Central Valley, also called the San Joaquin Valley, which, before a massive irrigation system made it agriculture central, was divided between a desert (low desert) and the snow covered mountains (high desert) of the Sierra Nevadas…the range that ends in “Death Valley”. In the Sheriff’s part of the Central Valley, only 15 minutes of travel separate the two, making it very convenient for all-season correctional TRUNKING.
What does this mean to WAAGNFNP criminals? It means that their time in THE TRUNK will be passed in either the 100+ degree Fahrenheit weather on the valley floor if they are sentenced in the summer, or in the close to zero degree weather in the mountains of the Sierra Nevadas (or in also relatively close Yosemite) during the winter months. THE TRUNK does little to protect from the lower extreme, and as for the higher? It magnifies it. During the summer months (we really only have two seasons here, summer and winter, as our spring and fall last maybe a week each), temperatures in THE TRUNK start at 100 degrees. Then they begin to rise. On the average, the temperature in THE TRUNK during the summer is 15 to 20 degrees higher than the temperature outside of it. Thus, if you’re having a somewhat chilly day of only 90 degrees, it’s a comfy (if stuffy) 105 in THE TRUNK. Average mid-summer outside temperatures of 105 bring a TRUNK reading of 125. And what if the temperature is higher than average? The difference between the trunk and outside temperature rises…exponentially. Last week we exceeded 112 degrees for several days. It was so high that my outdoor thermometer was incapable of measuring the temperature in THE TRUNK. Did it max out, you ask? No. It melted. Literally. At this reading, it was 114 outside. The needle passed 120 degrees, then kept on going for another 40 degrees before it gave up the ghost. You should have felt the blast of hot air when I opened the lid - ’twas like the Breath of Gojira, it was! It was worse than opening my propane grill after we’d been roasting potatoes for an hour or so.
In the Old South, prisoners that got on the wrong side of the warden were often locked in perforated steel boxes, without water, and said boxes were left in the sun all day. Depending on their state of health going in, those prisoners did not always survive their time in the hot box. A stint in THE TRUNK is comparable.
As Sheriff, it is my duty to see that miscreants are appropriately punished. No one, but NO ONE escapes justice. Your MOJ’s Sheriff will go to any length to see that the guilty receive their just desserts, risking even the wrath of the bushco goon squads to see justice served.
Now, as to the aforementioned Eggs. Gojira and 3Tops came down to examine THE TRUNK prior to approving it for use as the official WAAGNFNP criminal punishment device. Despite it being our sole week of spring, the temperature in THE TRUNK was already warming up quite nicely, and the pair decided that it would make an ideal incubator/hatchery. They each deposited an egg, patted me on the head hard enough to drive my feet down into the sandy soil of our front yard (originally a desert, remember?), and returned to the cooler climes of The Bay. I’m not sure of the incubation period as these eggs had apparently been laid prior to their trip (you should have seen the adorable egg slings Gojira and 3Tops were wearing that cradled the not so little darlings against their chests). But shortly before the melting of the thermometer, the eggs began to crack. Pass out the chocolate cigars! It’s a baby…times two!
The WAAGNFNP now boasts a baby Gojira and a baby 3Tops, ready to grow and promote the glory of the Giant Nuclear Fireball to the next generation!
In service to all Party Patriots,
She of the Plenary Powers in Regard to All Matters of Trunking, Pre-Trunking, Re-Trunking, Retro-Trunking, and the Hysterical Indifference to the Plight of Those Who Have Been Trunked.
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