Science Fiction & Apocalypse & pointless recursion & Movies & WAAGNFNP Posted by JP Stormcrow, 11 May 2007 03:30 am

We Are All Twelve Mementos Club Now

I have been working on a film script to counter claims that the WAAGNFNP unfairly concentrates on nuclear destruction over other forms of apocalypse. A précis follows. [I have the idea pretty well fleshed out, but am looking for some help from readers on a few details.]

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Working title: Triumph of the Snark.

The movie, set in the indeterminate future, starts with an unnamed narrator (later in the movie we hear him referred to as “Doc”) describing the cynical and barren life that he lives in a cramped underground city: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered? That about sums it up for me. There is nothing of beauty in this city, the residents (who sarcastically refer to themselves as Morlocks, and the city itself as Turgidsonville) are mean, spiteful, rude and condescending. Most spend their days online, trading acerbic barbs and ridiculing anyone who advances any positive agenda for change. A great catastrophic event in the past is hinted at, and the viewer at first assumes that it refers to some manner of nuclear, ecological, or epidemiological disaster. Instead, it is revealed that people were merely driven underground by their own perverse thoughts, their insistence that anything “nice” or “cheery” was bad - a “New Nihilism” had swept the world, sapping people’s will to live and reproduce, and leaving a small embittered remnant ensconced in their digitally-enabled tombs.

Doc’s job as an electrical engineer takes him to the surface on occasion to look after the power grid. The surface is a pleasant enough place - though it is evident that Doc himself is utterly unimpressed with it. There are a smattering of automated farms and mines providing raw materials for factories producing mass quantities of Mountain Dew, junk food, electronic components and other essentials. Working on the surface one winter day, Doc is drawn away from the solar grid he is repairing by a vision of a giant rabbit who tells him that “death will come from the sky” in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds. Following the vision causes him to miss being crushed by a falling jet engine that lands precisely where he had been working. Nearby he finds an injured teenager lying in the snow, mumbling Schlachthof Fünf over and over again. Doc brings him home, and although the boy can only remember his name - Donnie McLightly - he has a relentlessly cheerful nature which proves infectious. Inspired by the song Mr. Blue Sky from a CD Donnie finds in his pocket, he convinces Doc to help him form a club which he calls Electric Light Orchestra Illuminati (ELOI) club. Tapping a hidden, seething vein of optimism in Turgidsonville, the club soon grows in number, despite what seem to be self-limiting set of rules.

The first rule of ELOI club is that you do not blog about ELOI club.
The second rule of ELOI club is that you do not blog about ELOI club.
…
…
If this is your first day at ELOI club, you have to logoff and go topside.

Progress is slow however, and the prophesy of doom from the giant rabbit begins weighing heavily on Doc’s mind. He has been woking on a method to use the Internet Tubes to send someone back in time, and in a frenzy of twisted paradoxical thinking characterized by faulty logic and jumped conclusions, he and Donnie convince themselves that if one of them travels back in time and derails the New Nihilism from developing in the first place, they can both improve their current world and forestall the prophecy. After studying ancient Internet Archives, they focus on a group calling themselves the WAAGNFNP as the likely cause of all the trouble. Donnie volunteers to go back, and after some initial misadventures which result in the creation of the prototypical usenet newbie B1FF , as well as Milli Vanilli. Donnie finally infiltrates the WAAGNFNP using the pseudonym JP Stormcrow. Upon realizing that they are not responsible for the cynicism and nihilism that later come to dominate the world, he blogs the following message:

Forget about the WAAGNFNP — they didn’t do it. It was a mistake. Someone else did it before the Internet was invented. The WAAGNFNP are just a bunch of people goofing around on blogs. It already existed!

Seeing that any attempt to stop the onset of the “Great Cynicism” is doomed, he casts about for an alternative. Following in the tradition of Moses and other charlatans visionary leaders, he pulls something completely out of his ass, and decides instead to identify the “Twelve Mementos of Sweetness and Light”, which if brought back to the future will reverse the iron grip of nihilism… and who knows. maybe even forestall the prophesied doom.

Possessing but a limited imagination, he writes a blog post as JP Stormcrow in which he creates a proposed list of the twelve items under the pretext that they are part of a non-nuclear, but apocalyptic movie script he is developing. He asks readers for suggestions for even more powerful totems of sweetness and light. His intial list reads:

Chicken Soup for the Soul
Tuesdays with Morrie or The Five People You Meet in Heaven (or maybe just Mitch Albom’s brain)
Jonathan Livingston Seagull
Desiderata
The Prophet
Field of Dreams
A Smiley face
I “Heart” anything but NY
a have a nice day sign
Seasons in the Sun
Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree
and a picture of Dogs playing Poker.

He is intitially foiled in his attempts to brings the mementos back to the future. Powerful “Good Taste” filters installed at some later time on the Internet do not allow them to be transmitted digitally, and the limited nature of Internet interfaces of that time only allow him to transmit his own body to the future via Doc’s time travel method. In a moment of inspiration, he has all of the words, music and pictures tattooed onto his skin. However, when he returns, the grotesque appearance of his heavily tatooed body repulses the other members of ELOI club. In a shattering final scene, during which it is revealed that Donnie McLightly and “Doc” are one and the same person, Donnie/Doc is driven away by the ELOI chanting The medium is the message! The medium is the message! Still not completely acclimated to the perils of topside life, they unwittingly chase him out on to a highway, where suddenly everyone is run over by a robotruck carrying Cheetos that has been hijacked by a cyborg from even further in the future who has traveled back in time to kill John Connor’s mother.

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So you heard the man. Please endorse, disparage or improve upon the list of mementos with ever more powerful totems of sweetness and light. Also feel free to comment upon other sundry details such as possible casting. (Personally I think going back in time and kidnapping Brad Pitt when he was still a hunk, would be appropriate for the Donnie/JP Stormcrow character.) Have fun with it, follow your whims and don’t feel constrained by necessity, reason, or principle (it’s almost like there is some specific word to describe what I am trying to convey, but I just can’t think of it.)

…oh and can I guarantee that ending? I guarantee it.

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Responses to “We Are All Twelve Mementos Club Now”

  1. on 11 May 2007 at 6:55 am 1. Donnie McLightly said …

    Forget about the WAAGNFNP — they didn’t do it. It was a mistake. Someone else did it before the Internet was invented. The WAAGNFNP are just a bunch of people goofing around on blogs. It already existed!

  2. on 11 May 2007 at 7:45 am 2. black dog barking said …

    Some impromptu experimentation with New Coke in the mid Eighties permanently damaged my Sweetness and Light sensors; I can only dial Sweetness and Low™.

    Pikachu as pronounced here.

  3. on 11 May 2007 at 7:49 am 3. The Constructivist said …

    I don’t trust this Donnie McLightly.

  4. on 11 May 2007 at 8:01 am 4. christian h. said …

    This is what happens when humanity fails to bring about the GNF. Let it be a warning to all loyal party members!

    I’d think that Donnie should bring a copy of the movie cult hit “Triumph of the Snark” with him to the future.

  5. on 11 May 2007 at 8:05 am 5. Donnie McLightly said …

    I don’t trust this Donnie McLightly

    Precisely which Donnie McLightly don’t you trust?

  6. on 11 May 2007 at 8:13 am 6. peter ramus said …

    Got to have the Big Eyes, J.P. Got to.

  7. on 11 May 2007 at 8:57 am 7. spyder said …

    Turgidsonville translates in the idiom of the shaft dwellers as Turdland??

    “death will come from the sky” on that ever special and magical date: two Analtun and four K’in K’in???

    John Connor’s mother who was impregnated by John O’Connor, begatted son of John Bigboote, begatted by John Whorfin shall remain nameless.

    I am very concerned however that the truck carried Cheetos and not the sacred food of all future lifeforms: Soylent Green!! This is a travesty that only a gianormous GNF could keep from happening. Now as for the the secret list of identified super special initiated agents, sworn under double-secret probation to die trying to nihilize the entire arrow of time, we need to add such luminairies as Kenny G, Michael Bolton, and all the other B-list celebrities who look like them (doppelganger sprezzatura are a sure sign of the mark of the beast–see Donnie McLightly above.

    May i also propose that there be a vehicle for jumping snarks, something along the lines of Yukon or Tacoma or Touareg or Acadia or Outlander or, hell any of the rest of them.

  8. on 11 May 2007 at 10:26 am 8. JP Stormcrow said …

    First apologies to the several who languished in spam or moderation queues - sometimes I think the alleged “learning” algorithms go backwards at times.

    Some items are so extreme that they “wrap around” the end of the Sweetness and Light scale and in fact become subtly subversive and deeply disturbing. Pokémon and Big Eyes may be in this category - one can only imagine the meta-ironic abusive sport the “Morlocks” would have with Porygon (the seizure Pokémon) for instance.

    I’d think that Donnie should bring a copy of the movie cult hit “Triumph of the Snark” with him to the future.

    Safety first, Peter. Such a self-referential perturbation of the Internet space-time continuum would be liable to cause some manner of permanent hole that might persist for many a long Analtun. Wandering around the 8th dimension for damn near eternity is no fun - just ask the cast and crew of Buckaroo Banzai versus the World Crime League.

  9. on 11 May 2007 at 10:29 am 9. Seattle said …

    The James Harriot books:
    All Things Bright and Beautiful
    All Creatures Great and Small
    etc.

    You’re a tease. They’ll just come back in the sequel forced on you by your producer.

  10. on 11 May 2007 at 10:35 am 10. 666 said …

    doppelganger sprezzatura are a sure sign of the mark of the beast

    That was a terrific comment. You said exactly what I was thinking but phrased it much more elegantly and graciously than I ever could. Thank you so much for writing it!

  11. on 11 May 2007 at 10:36 am 11. 666’s Evil Twin said …

    What 666 said!

  12. on 11 May 2007 at 11:06 am 12. James Killus said …

    Pfft. Been when; donned hat. When do we get to wreck a nice beach?

  13. on 11 May 2007 at 11:20 am 13. Kirk & Ray said …

    We can scientifically prove, without once referring to the Bible, that what you say is not only not true but that you don’t even exist.

    And, so it was said, don’t challenge the Bannana, all praise the Coke can, and hallowed be the peanut butter. And, so it is with the Way of The Master.

    Yours in Baffletude,

  14. on 11 May 2007 at 11:30 am 14. kermit the frog said …

    I hate sockpuppets!

  15. on 11 May 2007 at 11:30 am 15. JP Stormcrow said …

    When do we get to wreck a nice beach?

    Argot cheer beach ax wreck a nice dry tier.

  16. on 11 May 2007 at 11:52 am 16. spyder said …

    I hate sockpuppets! Also Sprach Hush Puppies and Lamb-Chops: “Shari, get you hand out of my ass!”

    Ergot-i-mean to do more, on the beach, especially with Ava Gardner.

  17. on 11 May 2007 at 12:00 pm 17. JP Stormcrow said …

    …on the beach, especially with Ava Gardner

    Dang, another movie I forgot to weave in, From Here to Many Analtun.

  18. on 11 May 2007 at 12:52 pm 18. Oaktown Girl said …

    The unquestioned, undoubted, undisputed GOD of our Sweetness and Light future/past/alternate reality universe is Thomas Kinkade, and Donnie McLightly is his Messenger.

    And I will beat the Holy Living Shit out of anyone who dares disagree with my vision of Truth and Goodness and Unity. So Be It. Praise be to Lord Astaroth. All Power to Gijira. Forever and ever, Amen.
    **********

    I’m at work, so I can’t do much now, but you can have lots of fun Googling refreshing take-off’s of Kinkade’s work. Go nuts. Here’s a start. Go nuts.

    [”Blight” photo via Wrapped in Plastic.]

  19. on 11 May 2007 at 2:24 pm 19. spyder said …

    The FBI is probing “Painter of Light” Thomas Kinkade, and company executives, over allegations that they fraudulently induced investors to open galleries, then ruined them financially.

    I suppose such probing could be identified with various Alien Capture and Release programs, physhing and Troll-ing the waters of the light waves. Perhaps the probes will go deep enough into this core circuitry to create a cascade failure in his neural nets. He is, afterall, a terminating android bot!

  20. on 11 May 2007 at 2:54 pm 20. Oaktown Girl said …

    Sweet Lord Astaroth, sypder! You have to give us that link to the FBI investigation on Kinkade.

    Why am I never surprised when the loudest, most holier-than-thou Bible beaters have a truly seedy underbelly exposed? Well, to be fair, perhaps he’s just under investigation, not officially “guilty”. But still.

    By the way, I hope peter ramus clicks on that link in my comment above. I think he’d really like that re-touched picture - seems like his kind o’ style!

  21. on 11 May 2007 at 3:09 pm 21. Kirk & Ray said …

    And I will beat the Holy Living Shit out of anyone who dares disagree with my vision of Truth and Goodness and Unity. So Be It.

    We would, at this time, like to issue a retraction.

  22. on 11 May 2007 at 3:45 pm 22. spyder said …

    Sweet Lord Astaroth, sypder! You have to give us that link to the FBI investigation on Kinkade.

    Oh great Minister of Justice: your wish is our every command over here in the Ministry of Offense and Defense.

    this latest report reveals why it is so damn difficult to get the GNF glowing in the Middle East: “So long as there is a U.S. Secretary of State who wears miniskirts and shows her legs and her bust … this would result in unequal negotiations, because Iran’s Foreign Minister would be at a loss as his eyes wandered from her mind to her legs!!”

  23. on 11 May 2007 at 5:39 pm 23. christian h. said …

    Man, both the improved picture Oaktown Girl linked to and the FBI investigation are hilarious! Time to move on to the ever-so-slightly more depressing Open Thread.

  24. on 11 May 2007 at 6:29 pm 24. JP Stormcrow said …

    The Wheels Of Snark Grind Slow sometimes, But They Grind Exceeding Fine.

    Pfft. Been when; donned hat …

    Well of course, as someone, somewhere, sometime pointed out: There is nothing old under the nebular collapse created by a supernova shock wave.

    I wanted to put this video in, but could not find a place to do so. I think it an appropriate rendering for this short summary of the film - if you wish to hear Mr. Blue Sky in its full five minute glory click here.

  25. on 12 May 2007 at 10:29 am 25. black dog barking said …

    Ah, sweetness *and* light. Take your hand off my shoulder Mr Night. It’s a beautiful new day hey,hey…

    The New Chipmunks seem to be taking close direction from house right. Donnie McLightly? Do we see acorn(s) falling in oak proximity?

  26. on 12 May 2007 at 7:58 pm 26. JP Stormcrow said …

    Do we see acorn(s) falling in oak proximity?

    If I am getting your drift correctly - no, just random YouTube surfage syncronicity. And Stormcrow Lifen00bs #s 1, 2 & 3 would never take close direction from me.

    And speaking of time - just another Saturday night at Stormcrow Manor.

  27. on 14 May 2007 at 10:46 pm 27. JP Stormcrow said …

    Tuesdays with Morrie or The Five People You Meet in Heaven (or maybe just Mitch Albom’s brain)

    In the airport bookstore today, I realized that I missed the boat on the right Mitch Albom book to include. His newest, For One More Day includes the following jacket copy:

    If you had the chance, just one chance, to go back and fix what you did wrong in life, would you take it?

    … and without going into detail, I will just say that the whole Gaylord Opryland Resort could probably qualify as one of the mementos (although it is not amenable to tatooing.)

  28. on 17 May 2007 at 1:23 pm 28. The Constructivist said …

    I nominate this post for best comment thread of the year–ahead of the Derby thread by two lengths. Although, being behind in my Party activities and all, I haven’t checked the latest open thread yet.