Wingnuts Posted by Oaktown Girl, 26 Apr 2007 02:37 pm

An Open Letter to the GOP

By Heraclitus (Jeff)

Okay, I know we tend to slant more or less left here, but we also strive for fair and balanced reporting of the political and cultural trends that matter to you. I’m therefore very happy to present this “Open Letter to the GOP“, contributed by guest blogger Rod T. Straight (warning: the following may contain biting satire):

My fellow Americans,
Recently, I was at the grocery store, buying children’s cereal. Having perused the cereal boxes and given them sufficient consideration, I can only say that I am shocked, outraged, and disgusted. Only now do I realize what a sick and perverted world we live in. It is a world where innocent children are used as mere pawns in the twisted social and political agendas of the homosexual movement. That’s right. ALL OF THE CEREAL BOX CARTOON CHARACTERS ARE GAY!!! Gay as paint. Queer as a three-dollar bill. Okay, Tony the Tiger is probably an exception, and maybe Dig ‘em the Frog, but the rest are switch-hitters at best. Sonny, the bird from Coco Puffs? He’s flamboyantly gay (the brightly colored, striped sweater, the overly emotional behavior), also known as “flaming.” The Sugar Bear seems innocent enough. Kind of pudgy, always wearing a sweater; he kind of seems like the dad from Eight is Enough. Then you remember — HE’S ALWAYS SINGING!!! Toucan Sam, like Sonny the bird, TALKS WITH A DAMN LISP!!! And they don’t get any lighter in the loafers than that damn leprechaun from lucky charms. Snap, Crackle and Pop may be just weenie enough to be straight and still walk around in those absurd, gay-assed costumes, but Count Chocula and the rest are not only gay, but campy. Oh, foul, foul, world, where homosexual activists have infiltrated the graphics departments of cereal companies!!!

Now it all makes sense. Now we can see why the country is slouching towards Gomorrah. Now we can see why American is in danger of doing something as unspeakable evil and demented as electing a Democratic Congress. This is not right. We don’t need a bunch of homos selling us our cereals. We need good, strong cereal cartoon characters, as Dubya used to say before he lost the ability to string even three words together coherently. Here are my new, decidedly un-gay, suggestions:

Angry, Angry Ape — Angry, Angry Ape goes around beating the shit out of people who look at him funny — mostly Frenchmen and Arabs. He has big, muscular arms and a very angry face. On the cereal box, he would be swinging his arms wildly and glaring menacingly, with bloodshot eyes, out at the kid eating the cereal. The grain part of the cereal would be red, from all the blood Angry, Angry Ape beats out of people, and the marshmallow things would be the faces of foreigners with black eyes and broken noses.

Sweary Snake — The main purpose of this character is just to have a picture of a snake on the cereal box, crawling through some sort of circular thing. That’s right, get the penis-vagina equation into their heads early. That’s the way it’s gonna be, boys and girls!!! Sweary Snake swears a lot, but in a manly, heterosexual way. The marshmallow pieces would be swear words, but good, old-fashioned swear words, like Goddamnit and Son of a Bitch. That’ll teach ‘em.

Gordon the Gun Nut. Gordon The Gun Nut combines two great things about America and breakfast cereals –nutty goodness and a healthy, manly love of guns– into one delicious, edifying package of gun nuttery! Teach the kids when they’re young that assault rifles are part of the American way of life. The marshmallow pieces would be AK-47s, grenades, and the dead enemies of America (with little x’s in their eyes).

Harry the Whoring Hippo — The name says it all. Harry gets it on with women, nobody else — NOBODY ELSE, DAMMIT!!! Sure, he usually has to pay for it, but that’s better than being some damn fruit. He’s a good role model, especially for the boys. But isn’t a hippo a somewhat grotesque animal to present in such an overtly sexual manner? Hell, no. Let these kids learn that the average American diet, starting with these sugary breakfast cereals, will make them a bunch of fat asses for most of their lives. Get used to it. Just don’t use that as an excuse to become some kind of damn pansy. The marshmallow pieces would be various naked women and little packets of penicillin.

Okay, these are all just prolegomena. We come now to the true peak of the new generation of breakfast cereal cartoon marketing devices, the top dog, the creme de la creme.

Blowing Shit Up Orang-Outang — Blowing Shit Up Orang-Outang is where it’s at. He blows shit up. Sometimes it’s some asshole’s car, sometimes it’s another country. But he blows shit up. He’s a good, strong cereal box cartoon character. Teach our kids the importance of aggressive violence. (Also note the similarity of his name to “poon-tang.” This is crucial.) The marshmallow pieces would be various kinds of missiles and RPGs and the occasional mushroom cloud.

Now that you know the truth, get out there and spread it. There hasn’t been a scandal of this magnitude and reach since Jerry Fallwell pointed out that the Teletubbies were homos. We need to get the word out, for the future of this great nation of ours.

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Responses to “An Open Letter to the GOP”

  1. on 27 Apr 2007 at 6:44 am 1. peter ramus said …

    You’ve made an important
    breakthrough in understanding breakfast cereal, Heraclitus (Jeff).

    What the hell kind of a greeting frist thing in the morning is, “Cherrio!” anyhow?

  2. on 27 Apr 2007 at 7:53 am 2. spyder said …

    Well i suppose we better deal with the Wheaties face panels as well too. Maybe it will take filing of affadavits that the person, or persons, to be honored must swear that they are Xtian conservative homophobes, otherwise they must not be considered.

  3. on 27 Apr 2007 at 7:59 am 3. JP Stormcrow said …

    Let me just say that the Internet is, like, fucking great!
    Because it has sites like Topher’s Breakfast Cereal Character Guide .

    This guide was created as a fun and educational reference on all your favorite cereal box characters from the early 1900’s to the present. It is full of great images and information on over 975 cereal characters. (No sugar added). Just select a boxtop to begin. Enjoy!

    It includes 8 pages of fictional cereals!

    (I did not survey all 975 characters to see if the premise of this post held up.)

    For Gojira fans - the same site has Topher’s Great Godzilla Reference Pages.

  4. on 27 Apr 2007 at 8:00 am 4. christian h. said …

    It seems Mr. Straight is on to us. I was just about to self-publish Agitating for the GNF from early childhood: the cereal box as indoctrination vector. Guess that’s three minutes work down the drain.
    I urge all party members with knowledge of Mr. Straights whereabouts to immediately alert an official from the MoJ or MoOaD.

  5. on 27 Apr 2007 at 8:28 am 5. Seattle said …

    How could you have gone through that entire list and missed out on all the children’s movie characters? Those are what are really selling the cereal. Falling in with your theses, Captain Jack Black swishes his way across the cereal boxes-and yes, we do own a bonified limited edition Pirates of the Caribbean snack bowl… Then there are the Star wars characters (ditto on the R2-D2 snack bowl), the Shrek characters, the Jimmy Neutron characters, the Ice Age Characters, etc., etc. Could anyone call Shrek gay? But he is hard and crunchy on the outside, soft and squishy on the inside…a fine example of Americans at large.

  6. on 27 Apr 2007 at 9:40 am 6. Seattle said …

    Make that Captain Jack Sparrow. Never write before coffee….

  7. on 27 Apr 2007 at 9:42 am 7. spyder said …

    In the holy name of lunch can parody even begin to compete with reality??

  8. on 27 Apr 2007 at 9:59 am 8. Oaktown Girl said …

    Sammy the Second Amendment Songbird. Sammy the Second Amendment Songbird flies around to all the elementary schools after gun violence tragedies reminding the kids that the most important thing for our country is to maintain our skewed and twisted interpretation of the Second Amendment. Sammy teaches the kids while they’re young that assault rifles are part of the American way of life, and no amount of senseless bloodshed should bring about draconian 24-hour waiting periods or any regulation of automatic weapons whatsoever.
    ****

    Word to MOOAD: If anyone alerts you the whereabouts of Mr. Straight, please bypass the standard procedure of bringing him to me and take him directly to a holding cell. If you bring him to my office, I’ll never stop giggling.

    Oaktown Girl
    Minister of Justice
    WAAGNFNP

  9. on 27 Apr 2007 at 10:33 am 9. christian h. said …

    take him directly to a holding cell.

    I think you are trying to say we should bring Straight straight to a holding cell?

    (Bad jokes are a natural byproduct of Fridays. Nothing to see here, move it right along.)

  10. on 27 Apr 2007 at 10:41 am 10. James Killus said …

    Replace Tony the Tiger!

    If an 80-year-old man should suddenly find himself in complete control of a harem of 12 beautiful young maidens, what results could be expected? One might be surprised! A number of years ago a Mexican circus went bankrupt. Since the owner could no longer afford to feed his animals, he gave one elderly male lion to the southern California wildlife preserve called Lion Country Safari, on Feb. 13, 1971.

    Frasier, the scrawny, scruffy lion, was clearly past his prime. He was bleary-eyed, suffered from arthritis and rheumatism, and even had trouble walking. His 19 or 20 years were the equivalent of more than 80 human years. He was nursed back to health and then introduced into a pride consisting of 12 young females. Putting Frasier in with the females was a joke. Previously, the hard-to-please lionesses had spurned at least five young, virile males; one would-be lover was badly mauled. But now the unexpected happened.

    The morning after Frasier was turned loose, the lionesses were found basking placidly in the sun, and a very tired but happy Frasier was lying on his back, paws in the air. He had obviously been a most phenomenal pussycat during the night. In the days that followed, whenever this lady-killer was hungry, the adoring young females fetched his food. They also chewed it for him (Frasier was almost toothless) before laying it at his feet. A lioness took her place on each side of his overaged bones when he decided to take a walk. His great success as a lover–he sired 35 cubs in 16 months–caused him to become a national sex symbol. His exploits attracted national attention, and Frasier T-shirts, watches, and caps were marketed with such favorable results that attendance at Lion Country Safari took a tremendous leap. Frasier was named Father of the Year in a congressional resolution.

    His amorous activities finally took their toll. He died in his sleep on June 13,1972–no doubt with a smile on his face–and was buried at the Laguna Hills, Calif., preserve. They had inserted him into the pride as a joke, but the old cat took the challenge seriously. The results proved once again that the art of making love knows neither time nor season.

    –from http://www.trivia-library.com/b/history-of-sex-and-sexuality-from-1968-to-1972.htm

  11. on 27 Apr 2007 at 11:04 am 11. Sven DiMilo said …

    Need we even mention Fruity Pebbles? I mean, come on! Fruity Pebbles!!

    In other breakfast-cereal news, was strolling the aisles of the local Stop ‘n’ Shop the other day when I noticed that a mainstay of my own youthful mornings, which I thought was gone forever, was back, just as I remembered it: Quisp cereal!
    Not only gay (rhymes with lisp, starts like queer), but alien gay, propellor on head and everything.

  12. on 27 Apr 2007 at 11:19 am 12. Sven DiMilo said …

    p.s. oh yeah he is PINK too! (Quisp, I mean).
    And he was always arguing against the proto-masculine Quake!

  13. on 27 Apr 2007 at 11:34 am 13. christian h. said …

    Then, of course, there is Weetabix. Which is English. ‘Nuff said.

  14. on 27 Apr 2007 at 11:44 am 14. spyder said …

    LIon Country Safari? Oh, what a reminder. That place was so weird back in the day. Whenever i would go to concerts at Irvine Meadows i would remember the bizarre sight of African animals running around in California coastal hills and that took some of the enjoyment of the good music away. Of course then they tried to move them to Valencia for the Africa USA park, but sadly most of those that haven’t died are kept under the watchful eye of Tippy Hedren’s Shambala Preserve just a few miles away.

    The MOOAD alerted the keeper of the hounds to ready the chase. The intelligence gathering network is having trouble making a slam dunk though because, well there are too many straights in the straits. The dire circumstances notwithstanding, we are monitoring the situation very closely. More forthcoming, as soon as we can evaluate the quality of the information and verify the location of Mr Straight (not related to Mr Kite).

    spyder
    Minister of Defense and Offense
    Ministry of Offense and Defense
    WAAGNFNP

  15. on 27 Apr 2007 at 12:22 pm 15. JP Stormcrow said …

    I want my WAAGNFNP-TV!!
    Now look at them yo-yo’s, that’s the way you do it
    You sell cereal on that kids TV
    That ain’t workin’, that’s the way you do it
    Money for nothin’ and your chicks guys for free
    There also seems to be a gender representation issue among the mascots.

    … Mr Straight (not related to Mr Kite)
    And of course Henry The Horse dances the waltz!

  16. on 27 Apr 2007 at 12:49 pm 16. Oaktown Girl said …

    (Quickie note from work, more later)

    spyder - I see you used the phrase “slam dunk”. Was that merely coincidence, or a subtle reference to George “slam dunk” Tenant now trying to clear his name from the bowels of history with his new book?

    Sven - me and my brother were so sold on the Quisp and Quake advertising campaign. Praise Gojira, we were raised with parents who taught us about commercialization and marketing and that sort of thing.

  17. on 27 Apr 2007 at 4:11 pm 17. spyder said …

    George “slam dunk” Tenant coming to a cereal box near you, or will that be a milk carton???

    As for the suggestion that characters such as these might be in someway detrimental to the wellbeing of a manly and highly ordered society, well i say you need only consider their pardners:
    Klondike Pete and his mule sidekick Pardner (1999) chasing down Plum Loco Louie and Boot Hill Bob; what is this bestiality with a burro??

    We all know about Mighty Mouse; was there ever a more flamingly gay character??? Though Underdog may have had thing for him too???

    Marky from Maypo, and Bozo; well that is just so clearly evident and we are all blessed they were sent into exile.

    Still stuck with trying to discern the overly well-mannered Rastus and Uncle Ben. Are the rumors true about those two, lounging together in the kitchen of the club car on a west bound train from Georgia????

  18. on 27 Apr 2007 at 6:27 pm 18. The Constructivist said …

    This puts me in mind of Berube on Medved on Happy Feet. Perhaps we can try to get Jeff’s post taken “straight” by Right Blogistan and embarrass them like Fox?

  19. on 27 Apr 2007 at 7:08 pm 19. Foucault said …

    The seemingly innocuous yuppie brand, Kashi, is also secretly swishy. I’m sitting here with a box of it right now. Just what might we make of these ingredients?

    “Oat Flakes and Wild Blueberry Clusters.”

    The Kashi folks say they are concerned about coronary heart disease, and this is why they created “Heart to Heart.” But I think that their “natural antioxidants including green tea and grape seed” are subliminally directed at a queer cluster of demographics: aging queens, English professors, pinkos, feminists, and marxists. (Some of these groups may naturally overlap).

    Also, “low sodium” is always a sign of a hidden agenda. It may not be teh gay, but you can rest assured that it’s not innocent.

  20. on 29 Apr 2007 at 8:34 pm 20. Jessica said …

    If you want really flaming cereal, look no further than Queerios:

    The prizes are much better than the normal plastic junk apparently.