Health & Medical & Personal Posted by Oaktown Girl, 15 Apr 2007 09:02 pm

Wisdom from Ed

By James Killus

I cried because I had no shoes,
’till I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, ‘You got any shoes you’re not using’?

– Steven Wright.

My last summer at RPI (Rensselear Polytechnic Institute), when I was putting some finishing touches on my Master’s Project, I had a roommate named Ed Kulis. This isn’t going to be a “funny name” essay, though I acknowledge the potential..

I had a pretty good apartment down on 10th St., close enough to campus to walk if I wanted, far enough that it wasn’t embarrassing to drive. I’d had a couple of other roommates while there, but there were also several stretches where I lived alone. One of the nice things about the place was that it was cheap enough that I could do that.

Anyway, Ed always drove. The first thing I ever noticed about him was that he walked funny. A short while into our acquaintance, when we were walking across a parking lot, having just climbed some stairs, I asked “What’s wrong with your legs?”

“What legs?” he replied, and grinned a little.

Several years earlier, Ed’s car had broken down on the Sawmill Parkway, just north of New York City. It was a VW, engine in back, and while he was checking the engine, a truck hit him. He woke up several days later in the hospital, minus much of his legs. One ended mid thigh, the other had a bit left below the knee. His “funny walk” was nigh onto a miracle of rehabilitation therapy and athletic level control of his prostheses.

The whorehouse Madame answers the door and at first doesn’t see anybody. Then she looks down a bit and sees a guy in a motorized wheelchair. He’s a quadruple amputee, no arms, no legs.

“Don’t just stand there,” he says. “Let me in.”

“But you’re a quadruple amputee,” she blurts out.

“I rang the damn bell, didn’t I?” he replies.

Ed suffered through multiple surgeries, then months of recovery, followed by grueling rehab. He once told me that the day he walked out of the rehab center, on his own power, was the happiest day of his life. And he’d vowed never to take anything in life for granted, ever again. Every day after was a gift, he’d told himself.

“But you know,” he confessed to me, “eventually it wears off. I still remember the feeling, and the promises I made to myself, but then homework has to get done, I have a little fight with my girlfriend, I get pissed at some asshole in the supermarket, and then I find myself at the end of the day just exhausted, watching some lame TV show that’s as big a waste of time as anything I’ve ever done. And I think to myself, yeah, today was a real gift all right.”

Then he grinned and shrugged, “But it’s still better than being dead, and there’s always tomorrow, right?”

So I knew what was coming, certainly. Ed had told me about it. I had a much smaller chunk of me chopped off than Ed did, and Ed never saw it coming, whereas I had weeks to contemplate my own mortality, including various unpleasant endgames that look much less likely now. The upshot of it was that, right after they amputated my finger, last December, I got that same euphoria and uplift, the sense of being really, really connected to it all. There were people I spoke with in the days following my surgery who thought that I was looped on some major pain medication, when the most I ever took was over-the-counter naproxen and half a Vicodin, that being close to my nausea limit in the narcotics department.

High on life, yessiree Bob. That’s me.

And I knew full well that it was transitory, and that I’d soon enough be back to the day to day of work, and worrying about the state of the world, and trying to figure out how long it will take to pay off the medical bills, and how that’s going to impact other plans for the future. I even knew that the loss of the use of a digit was going to be irritating, in many minor ways. But it still surprises me sometimes with the inconvenience of it.

Then every now and then I think of Ed, and what he had to go through. He got a nice insurance settlement, so he had a tricked out car that let him control everything from the steering wheel, and if he retained any fear of automotive collisions, I think he overcompensated a bit by driving a little wild. I, on the other hand, now scrutinize every mole and blemish, then roll my eyes and tell myself to get a grip. So then I squeeze the exercise putty and do the breathing exercises as I return to full Aikido training. I go to the free practice every Tuesday and my shoulder rolls and back falls feel good again, but I haven’t yet fully committed to both classes on Thursday night, and it’s hard to tell the difference between pacing myself and fear.

I hope Ed’s doing well, because that’s actually important to me, albeit in a pretty distant way, because I haven’t heard from him since we roomed together. I bet he’s still got the grin, though.

It’s all a lot better than being dead, and there’s always tomorrow, at least until there isn’t, and that’s also part of life. One thing Ed didn’t warn me about though, was how everything I said about the matter in the first few weeks seemed really profound, but now it’s an effort to get it above trite.

“I cut my finger. That’s tragedy. A man walks into an open sewer and dies. That’s comedy.” — Mel Brooks

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Responses to “Wisdom from Ed”

  1. on 16 Apr 2007 at 9:22 am 1. jimmiraybob said …

    James -

    I have a friend that can do a high five with the left hand and a high four with the right hand. The kids seem to get a kick out of it.

  2. on 16 Apr 2007 at 10:07 am 2. James Killus said …

    I actually still have a stub of a finger, which allows me to tell another joke. A friend of mine asked me in mid-March how long it had been since the surgery. “Well, let’s see,” I said, counting off from the pinky. “December, January, February, and half of March.”

  3. on 16 Apr 2007 at 10:41 am 3. spyder said …

    I apologize up front for sidetracking this discussion at the moment. But between the time Jimmiraybob and James posted, the following happened:

    Gunman Kills 25 on Virginia Tech Campus — College Paper Covers It

    The college paper at Virginia Polytechnical Institute kept a running account of the tragedy that struck the campus today, with more than 20 students gunned down in at least two areas of the campus, a dorm and a classroom. The shooter is allegedly dead as well, but not identified. It is not known if he was a student.

    The toll could climb. ABC News placed it at 25 at 1:00 p.m., and rising. The shootings took place about two hours apart, ending about 9:30.

    Here is how the student-run Collegiate Times reported it, blog-style, with the most recent posting first. A full article is now posted there, which includes the note that police “are also investigating if it has any relation to the recent bomb threats on Tech’s campus.”

    When our university campuses are battlegrounds for this level of violence (and i do remember all too well a certain Mr. Whitman from long ago), we who have vested most of our lives in the Ivory Towers need to reach out to VTU and send AUMS of compassion and blessings for restoring wellbeing. John Bruner, in his epic novel Stand On Zanzibar described a future in which the muckers will runamok on college campuses, bent on destroying the fabric of our culture. When more than twenty die so senselessly, we need to condemn all violence used to “purchase” retribution and conquest of territory and resources.

    Now i would like to return this blog thread to its rightful and diligent host today. Thank you James.

  4. on 16 Apr 2007 at 11:06 am 4. Sven DiMilo said …

    http://images.jambase.com/features/Garcia/hand2.jpg

  5. on 16 Apr 2007 at 12:26 pm 5. James Killus said …

    In the August 1977 issue of Esquire, Harry Crews wrote an essay titled “Climbing the Tower.” It can be found in his collection Blood and Grits. It refers to the Charles Whitman shootings at the University of Texas in 1966, another time of senseless war. Crews talks about it at some length here:

    http://www.harrycrews.com/Features/Interviews/KnipfelJ-StoriesToldInBlood.html

    1966 was two years before 1968. 1968 is my touchstone year. As long as things don’t look like 1968, I’m not getting that excited. Nevertheless, two years…

    Thanks for the Garcia reference Sven. Will I ever play the violin? Only if I learn.

  6. on 16 Apr 2007 at 12:27 pm 6. Seattle said …

    31 and counting.

  7. on 16 Apr 2007 at 12:38 pm 7. spyder said …

    Another hijacking (and quib: forty years ago tonight {well three nights in a row} i was dancing to the GD at the Kaleidoscope in Hollywood; twenty years ago it was Irvine Meadows) and this bit of ponderable wisdom:

    The next time you hear Dick Cheney or George Bush blame the public attitude regarding Iraq on the media’s failure to report “good news”, examine carefully our reaction to the shooting at Viginia Tech. Look at our collective shock. Our horrified reaction. The public sorrow. Yet, in truth, this is an exceptional, unusual day in America. It is not our common experience. But we cannot say the same about Iraq.

    The people of Iraq are living in a Marquis de Sade version of Groundhog Day. It is like the Bill Murray movie–the same horrible day repeated with some new, bizarre twists–only not funny. Multiple body counts and explosions and shootings are the daily experience of the people of Iraq. They have been living this hell for four years. Just keep that fact in mind as you mourn the deaths of 32 American students slain in Blacksburg, Viginia.

    http://noquarter.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/04/now_do_you_unde.html

  8. on 16 Apr 2007 at 12:42 pm 8. Oaktown Girl said …

    James - I love this post. And the quotes you include are just too perfect.

    Yes, I don’t think it’s humanly possible to sustain a constant level of almost hyper-awareness/gratitude for long periods of time. Anyone’s who’s attained that level of mastery doesn’t need to be doing the “lifetimes” anymore. Except for one person. According to (some) traditions, there’s always One holding down the fort for the rest of us.

    I think the best that most of us can hope for is daily remembrances, and shorter and shorter periods of forgetfulness.

    spyder - thanks for the news update.

  9. on 16 Apr 2007 at 1:13 pm 9. Oaktown Girl said …

    spyder – what you said about Iraq is quite correct. And it’s also worth noting how the media handles shooting deaths (violent and sudden) in this country compared to other tragic deaths that happen. I’m thinking specifically of post-Katrina New Orleans. There we had death, much of it slow and painful with unspeakable suffering – emotional, psychological, and physical - on a scale we can’t even begin to wrap our heads around unless we were actually there. But everyone agreed it was “tragic”, even the people who were busy blaming the victims.

    So what happened to the Great Conversation we were supposed to have about race and poverty in this country post Katrina? It got washed away like everything else in the flooded-out portions of New Orleans (and the other hard hit portions of the Gulf Coast).

    Of course we have needless suffering and death on a daily basis due to poverty, homelessness, lack of adequate health care, and wages far below the cost of living. Not too much media coverage of that - doesn’t pack quite the same punch as a crazed gunman. Plus, with the gunman, we can throw up our “clean” hands and say, “Hey, what a shame. Nothing we could have done about that, though.” With issues like poverty and racism, we tend to just turn our backs because there is absolutely something we can do about that, yet we choose not to. Don’t wanna go there, just too uncomfortable.

    So what’s the latest Anna Nicole update?

  10. on 16 Apr 2007 at 2:01 pm 10. Seattle said …

    “I think the best that most of us can hope for is daily remembrances, and shorter and shorter periods of forgetfulness.”

    I don’t know about everyone else, but as I get older, the periods of forgetfulness multiply and lengthen. : )

    The ‘nothing shocks me any more’ part of my brain keeps doing suicide bomber body count comparisons. Where was homeland security when the shooting in VA started? Who will protect us from ourselves?

  11. on 16 Apr 2007 at 2:09 pm 11. JP Stormcrow said …

    The humorous quotes bring to mind the rather direct cartoons of quadriplegic John Callahan. In addition to his cartoons, his autobiography, Don’t Worry He Won’t Get Far on Foot is quite the read. Recommended.

    I will say that I find the Steven Wright joke to be more melancholy than usual as it brings to my mind the “boots” sequence in All Quiet on the Western Front. Doubly so today, with the campus violence itself, and its reminder of the continuing horrors of war.

  12. on 16 Apr 2007 at 2:50 pm 12. Seattle said …

    33

    Maybe I’ll talk to my son about studying something other than engineering…

  13. on 16 Apr 2007 at 3:31 pm 13. The Constructivist said …

    Remember the Montreal Massacre? Another engineering program.

  14. on 16 Apr 2007 at 4:00 pm 14. The Constructivist said …

    Top story on NHK morning news here in Fukuoka. Lots of focus on the Montgomery County SWAT team’s weaponry in the news footage they showed.

    I have to admit when I logged into email this morning I assumed the shooting was in Iraq and did a double take when I read it again.

  15. on 16 Apr 2007 at 4:30 pm 15. James Killus said …

    Charles Whitman was an architectural engineering student, but I think the “ex-Marine sharpshooter” may have been a factor as well.

    The typical engineering student is either the child of an engineer or the “bright child of a working class family.” The pressures on this latter group can be substantial (I know whereof I speak) and it is common for such families to have an acquaintance with firearms, especially in the south.

    I have no personal experience with the environment that produced the Montreal incident, so I won’t theorize.

  16. on 16 Apr 2007 at 4:35 pm 16. Oaktown Girl said …

    Where was homeland security when the shooting in VA started?

    I know that’s a rhetorical question, Seattle, but I’m going to rant anyway. Before Hurricane Katrina, we had 4 years post Sept.11 to get our act together, even in the most minimal way, in case of a massive attack or disaster. And look what happened. Granted, the response would have been a hell of a lot different had it been mostly White People in trouble (the trucks carrying water would have been allowed to go through, people would have been allowed to cross the bridge to access help and supplies, and there would have been a hell of a lot more rescue copters and boats). But from a governmental “Homeland Security” perspective, total incompetence all the way.

    All we ever needed was for the existing agencies we had to get over themselves and their petty egos, put aside their childish competition games and just fucking COMMUNICATE. That’s all that needed to be done. But BushCo got dollar signs in their eyes and saw a HUGE opportunity. So they took it.

    Bush always likes to talk about the “lessons learned from Sept. 11″. What were they? Apparently there were none.

  17. on 17 Apr 2007 at 12:26 pm 17. The Constructivist said …

    The shooter at VA Tech was Korean-American by residence, child of South Korean citizens who came to the US in 1992 and a green card holder through them. He was an English major; the note he left in his dorm was described as “rambling.” Already questions are being raised about his creative writings and the school’s response to them–in the articles I’ve seen, more than the fact that he set a fire in a dorm room or stalked several women (both of which just get throwaway lines). I also noticed that Korean and Korean-American students are staying together for fear of reprisals and the South Korean embassy expressed sorrow and a hope that there would be no racial attacks.

    Questions: how soon will violent video games become part of the killer’s “profile”? how soon will comparisons to NO/Katrina and Iraq be deemed politically incorrect by Republicans? is a tragedy of these proportions capable of generating sympathy for the U.S. around the world again? or will this just be chalked up to America’s gun culture?

    Wendy Hui Kyong Chun has a series of essays on the Montreal Massacre that analyze various responses to the killings of female engineering students at the Ecole Polytechnique over a decade ago. If you have access through a university, Google Scholar will supply the links. (She was an engineering student in Canada at the time.)

    On a side note, in one list of shootings on U.S. campuses I came across, I noticed that grad students appeared a disproportionate number of times. And that faculty were often targets.

    I’d say I was happy to be in Japan right now, but the mayor of Nagasaki was just shot by a mobster.

  18. on 17 Apr 2007 at 5:44 pm 18. Oaktown Girl said …

    Thanks for the update, TC.

    how soon will comparisons to NO/Katrina and Iraq be deemed politically incorrect by Republicans?

    As far as New Orleans goes, many Republicans just jumped right to blaming the victims. Easy. As far as Iraq, well that gets too undeniably close to “reap what you sow” territory, (I’ve heard it’s in the Bible, but I’m no expert), and they’ll have none of that. It smacks of the “R” word…”responsibility”.

  19. on 18 Apr 2007 at 1:06 pm 19. The Constructivist said …

    Update: the mayor of Nagasaki was killed by a right-wing nationalist mobster.

  20. on 18 Apr 2007 at 1:14 pm 20. The Constructivist said …

    Sorry: according to Time, it’s still unclear what the killer’s motivation was; many recent reports have discounted the political angle, but people in Nagasaki and elsewhere are wondering.