Anybody who has looked for a job - and I recently spent several months doing just that - has probably asked herself: “that’s all there is? I’m so tired of it. I really want to do something different!”
Now, maybe you’ll think “easy - I’ll just become a professional humorist - how hard can that be?” Well, as the writers for FOX News Channel’s fake fake news show The 1/2 Hour News Hour can tell you - it’s really hard.
So, what else is out there? Hoping for the big lottery win? Busing tables? Swindling companies out of their ill-gotten gains by offering management seminars? Working as minor functionary in the WAAGNFNP?
Meet the insults writer. Now, the only one who’s ever held that job is, as far as I can ascertain, Orson Scott Card - the science fiction author turned wingnut. But our esteemed readers won’t be surprised to hear that I believe this to be a growth sector - maybe one of the few left that can’t be outsourced. After all, to insult a person effectively, you need to understand that person. That’s why insults aimed at someone you don’t understand are really slurs, not insults. Case in point: Bill “Papa Bear” O’Reilly. He constantly aims to insult liberals - and fails miserably. Who isn’t tired of hearing about the “fascist ACLU” or the “secular-progressive war on Christmas”? It’s pathetic, really. And it is the direct result of Bill’s lack of understanding of the liberal mind.
So it’s lucky for Bill that I’m here to help out. I used to be a liberal. And I have decided to apply for the job of insults writer at the Factor.
I rarely watch your show, but whenever I flip through the channels - tired from a day of bashing liberals, conservatives and anybody else who isn’t insane and radical like me - and happen upon one of your segments, I see you trying to insult liberals. Sadly, you regularly fail at this worthy goal. In fact, your insults are so bad that Al Franken’s books practically write themselves. You are, quite frankly, the worst liberal-insulter in the business. Colbert is doing a better job than you, and he is only acting! Bill, you need to get your act together or liberals will just tune you out and attack Howie Kurtz instead.
You need an insults writer. And what do you know, I believe I’m perfect for the job. I have impeccable credentials; I have insulted liberals for years now. And I used to be a liberal - I know how they think, and what they believe.
You need to understand the basic rule of insults: they are only really insulting if the target believes there is some truth to them. That’s why you and your conservative friends are so insulted when liberals call you armchair-warriors or chickenhawks. Calling liberals fascists over an over again won’t insult them one bit - they believe they are the polar opposite of fascists! Much better to insult the liberal by alluding to the fact that his liberalism is really just a rationalization of his own privileged status. He used to be a radical, but now he’s too comfortable in his position - so he’s become a liberal. So, instead of calling him a fascist, thank him for protecting the establishment. Tell him you appreciate his helping out in keeping the working class down. Let him know how happy you are he agrees with you that America is really a force for good in the world.
Instead of accusing a liberal that she’s undermining the troops, use her guilty conscience about the fact that she is really not undermining the US war effort anywhere in the least. Ask her if she believes in the White Woman’s Burden, and which country we should invade next. If she’s radical… well, you’ll have to hire somebody else for that, because I’m not blabbing. If you can’t think of anything else you can make any liberal sweat by asking the classic question: Are you, or have you ever been, a subscriber to The New Republic?
Bill, in conclusion, let me emphasize that if you want your show to break out of the stereotyped market of the audience to stupid too understand the commercials, you’ll have to get some liberals to watch. And no better way to get them to tune in, than to come up with new and better ways of insulting them, so they have some material to be upset about. In this spirit, I look forward to a long and fruitful cooperation in the liberal-insulting business.
Responses to “I apply for a job at the O’Reilly-Factor.”